The Story of BB the Great Dane

BB enduring a ‘critter check’, getting off ticks and hitchhikers from his field romp, 40 weeks

Ya know, it’s comical some the spam BB’s blog gets. There’s offers for health insurance, poker lessons, car insurance, even digs for campain contributions. How exactly do they think BB’s going to drive a car or hold a hand of Texas holdem? It’s not really a lack of intelligence that gets in the way of a dog driving or fattening the pot. You can teach a dog just about anything, with one category of exceptions: anything that requires an opposable thumb to grip!

That got me thinking, which is often a dangerous situation. What could BB do if he had a saddle joint so he could grasp things with his feet? What wouldn’t he have to do if he had an opposable thumb?

First, he wouldn’t have to go through the critter checks, being able to pull his own ticks, and spray himself with doggie repellant. Beebs doesn’t like having to stand still for the “nitpick”, especially when he wants to get a drink and a curl up with his oversize teddy bear baby. Fresh air makes a boy tired!

He also would be a devil to play with if he had the ability to use both feet and his teeth in a tuggie session. His thumbless ‘handicap’ is the only way we win tug of war, and steal his toys to toss. A game of grab it isn’t nearly as fun as tease and toss. No more gallopoling all ungainly like after his toy makes thumbs on BB a bigger loss than reward.

If he could drive, there would be a pile up of biblical proportions on the road leading to any puppy store–he’d cut across any amount of lanes to take his fine self into a store where there’s bones and crackle babies for sale. If he had a thumb and could write a check, there would be another car wreck in our bank accounts!

He wouldn’t stay in the car if he could open the door. Can you imagine the fuss in Walmart as the bump and wiggle boy ran the aisles looking for his Mom? He’d never get past the potato chips… And if he could take off the leash, he’d never even make it to the car, having too much fun playing catch me if you can.

When it comes to the food bowl, BB could refill it himself using his new thumbs, time after time after time after time… he’d founder himself! Duckie kibble! Yum! More! And use the can opener to wipe out a month supply of canned lamb food in one sitting. Or open the ham sandwich meat bag for a munch. He could pick up a frying pan to cook up a steak…

Okay, thumbs on a dog are not such a good idea!

As it is, he’s got to live thumbless, enduring aforementioned critter checks, waiting for his rationed food, lose the game of tuggie, not be able to take off his leash, forego the medium rare t-bone, stay in the car, and generally have to be a nudge for what he wants. The upside to such disability is all the fun he has being a nudge!

BB is a persistant cuss, and most of his getting scolded comes from not taking no for an answer! But most of his fun does to. I can hear the wheels turning in his brain when he tries a new strategy to get his ball out from under the couch. The couch develops this odd up and down, sideways and heave motion akin to a vibrating bed in a cheap motel!

He’s hysterical when he complains about not having a dinner plate of his own–why can’t a boy have fried chicken and cobbler? He gets in trouble for swatting and demanding itty bitty nibbles under the table, only because he doesn’t want to wait for them to come when we’re done. (Impatience is another reason not to let a dog drive…)

So if the ninny nudge had a thumb, he’d be a nightmare instead of a hoot. I like him just the way he is! He has his flaws, but that’s okay, so do I.